THEY CALL IT 'DADDY ISSUES'- CHAPTER 2

 How can I miss someone I never met? 

I stood in the corridor as I overheard my dad and Elizabeth fighting over me again. 

“Kene, every day I remind you that this is your child. How can you be angry at your child for thirteen years?!” I heard Elizabeth say.

“Rachael should not have died; it should have been her!” These words should have pierced my heart, but I was accustomed to them now.

“Ah, Kene. You are a wicked person. Rachael died, and the one person she left with you was Daniella, and this is how you treat her. Rachael would be ashamed of you…”

“You have no right to say that to me. You’re playing mother for her, and for what? So she’ll see you as a saint?” He laughed.

“No, I try to make her feel loved since the one person whose blood runs through her veins can’t do that. God, you are a terrible person”

“If I’m so terrible, why are you still here?”

“Wait, you think I’m here because of you?” This time, she laughed. “It was a fact that this relationship was formed because of a mistake, in case you forgot. The reason I stayed was because of my children and the child whom I love as if she were mine”

“The mistake birthed two handsome and strong sons”.

I wished he called me beautiful and strong. I wished he loved me as much as he loved the twins. The shouts continued, but I went back to my room and blurred the voices out, lying on my bed. I sometimes envision what my mother would have looked like until I fall asleep. Do I have her eyes? Did I look like her? Was she beautiful? Did she know she was going to die? Why didn't she take me with her? Maybe my dad is right, everything would have been fine if I had died. They would have had a son whom they would love.

“God, why didn’t you let me die? Why do you hate me so much that you keep me alive? Of what use am I?” 

I stood up and walked to the kitchen with this one thought: ‘Everything would be better without me’. I searched for anything to help me end it until my eyes landed on a knife. There it was, the solution to my problems. I’ve watched several movies to know where the knife is stabbed in the body. I pointed the tip of the knife at my abdomen, bringing it there slowly. I took a deep breath as the knife made a small piercing in my skin.

“Stop it, please” The knife fell from my hand as I heard Richard say. He walked in as he noticed the blood stain on my white singlet. The blood dripped down to my black shorts.

Tears roll down his face. “You didn’t… You didn’t even think of us” I knew they would be fine.

“You would be fine without me.” He shook his head frantically. “No, no, no, no… You are my sister. I wouldn’t have been fine, none of us would have been fine” We found ourselves kneeling as I engulfed him in a hug. “D, please don’t do this again” I promised him that I wasn’t going to kill myself again. This event became our little secret.

After a while of kneeling in silence, I washed the knife and cleaned the floor that had some drops of blood, we said goodnight to each other and retired to our rooms.

The sadness on his face made me feel guilty about having those thoughts. I washed the clothes stained with blood and hung them in the bathroom. It was hard for Richard to keep this secret, especially from Raphael, but he never told anyone. The wound on my abdomen soon started to heal, so no one noticed anything was wrong.

   There were days I doubted if my father was my real father. I saw other teenagers at school talk about their fathers. It wasn’t just the words they used to describe them. It was the giddiness, the smiles expressed when they spoke about their dads. The prayers their dads prayed for them, the random snacks they bought, the birthdays they never missed, the valentines they always celebrated. I never experienced any of that, but at least I was grateful that he agreed to pay my school fees. 

I had heard so much about DNA tests and did some research myself. I was curious, and I wanted to ask my dad. I knew I would get in trouble with him, but I always got in trouble anyway. I don’t know where the courage came from, but it did.

One evening, he was sitting on the brown cushion in the sitting room, watching the evening news. The twins sat across from him, using one of the laptops he bought for them. I think this one was for Raphael. They each had a laptop and an Android phone, which he bought for them. I also had an Android phone that Elizabeth bought for me. I always hid to use it because if he found out, he would have seized it. 

I came downstairs and looked at him. I swallowed and was visibly shaking while staring at him, trying to find the courage to ask him. To know if the man I knew as my father for thirteen years was my real father. I finally walked to him, but maintained a great distance from him. 

“Go…good eve…ning, sir”, I said and swallowed. My heart was so close to leaving my chest now. He didn’t respond; he didn’t even look up. 

“Sir, I have a…question?” This earned me raised eyebrows. So I continued, I just tried to say it and await what he would do to me.

“Do you hate me because I’m not your real daughter?” Finally, the words were out, and it came with his full attention now. I felt six pairs of eyes looking at me, and my father’s were burning holes through my head. 

“I wish you were not my real daughter”, He laughed as he spoke “Unfortunately, you are.  Now, get out of my sight!” Strangely, his voice was not mixed with anger. 

“Did you do a DNA test?” He stood up when he heard the question.

“First, you kill her. Then, you call her unfaithful” He pointed a finger at me “You, you are a curse to everybody around you. You should have died that day” he shook his head as he spoke. I saw a teardrop fall from his eyes. “You never deserved to live; your mother did. My angel deserved to live” As I turned to run to my room, I heard a voice.

“My sister deserves to live. If she ever dies, I’ll never be happy. Daddy, why are you never nice to her?” Raphael said. I didn’t wait for a response, I ran to my room repeating these words “I deserve to die”. Elizabeth may have heard me, because she came out of her room and ran after me. We were lying on my bed as she wrapped me in a warm hug, she kept on saying “You don’t deserve to die” but the only thought I had was the fastest way to die. The twins came into the room, and I remembered my promise to Richard. I felt guilty for thinking about death. 

Who was going to fight the twins for silly reasons? How many arguments were left unfinished? Who would win these arguments when I’m gone? I gave in to sleep at last, still engulfed in her arms.